I Laid on the Rocks and Looked at the Clouds

click pic to grow 

art by akka b.

I laid on the rocks and looked at the clouds.
Of course, It only took me all day to get - to the rocks.
But if you want the truth, it only took me all month. 

I laid on the rocks and looked at the clouds. 

The clouds responded with the same drunken light that stole me from my schoolwork as a kid. I let myself be swallowed by this light...rain...as the crickets groaned, "The rain is here! The rain is here!" I was wrong... they didn't "groan" they chirped.

As-a-matter-of-fact, the rocks were the ones groaning, as I imposed on them my weight. "She's letting us hold her! She's letting us hold her!" They chirped. 

Humph. 

Again, not a groan. 

Clouds and rocks and crickets were not groaning as I gave up on my fear. [Fear of being held by what I love]


How very strange

Libra with a Scorpio Moon: 10 Wild Secrets of Akka B.

photo of & by: akka b.

Secret #1: I was conceived in Native American healing grounds - near a creek, in a cabin, under some trees. 

Secret #2: I'm a Libra with a Taurus Ascendent and a Scorpio Moon. That means I'm a charming negotiator seeking balance between a very earthy, luxurious, beauty filled relationship to the world and good 'stuff' and a vivid calling to mystical dimensions, longing to to live as a hermit, delve into the psychic realms,  spiritual pursuits and leave the "real" world far far behind. 

Secret #3: I was raised in the multi-generational home my grandfather built. Meaning... with my two brothers, my parents, my grandparents and a dog.

Secret #4: We didn't go to church when I was a kid, we went to see an Indian Guru who I thought was Santa Claus. Well, I knew he wasn't Santa Claus, but he sure seemed as magical and even MORE magical than Santa Claus to me. He could read my mind and made my heart burst open like a thunder storm. 

Secret #5: When I was a kid I didn't like playing with toys or kids - they were an intrusion on my private River of Imagination. When kids did come over, I would hide the pictures of my Indian Guru in the closet so they wouldn't have a chance to make fun of the guy in orange with a strange bindi on his forehead. 

Secret #6: I'm actually an introvert.

Secret #7: I didn't think I would be a writer and I didn't try to become a writer - I just am a writer. I'm a writer because I'm an observer. I didn't talk much as a kid, I watched. Even when I started talking more, I kept watching - examining patterns and listening to everything that went unsaid. When I felt like it, I wrote my observations down. After a while I came to understand the healing power of words and embraced them as a means of self-expression and catalyst for transformation. 

Secret #8: I'm actually a healer. When I want to... I see lights around people and in the sky and IF I want to, I can see spirits and hear what people aren't saying out loud. When I was a kid I could use my hands to heal, now that I'm an adult, I use my words.

Secret #9: I'm a single mom to a 12-year-old amazing girl child, born on the hottest day in August after an owl left a feather on the lawn. She's my rock and I am her magician. 

Secret #10: I love mango's with all my heart. Please send me some.

Blankly and a Grin

    

  Staring blankly out the window before my desk - not unusually blankly, (because it's not that unusual for me to be blankly), but definitely blankly blankly. The kind of blankly where you might recall being a certain many years old and a certain many inches high, but you don't know how many - specifically. You're also certain you have done many interesting things over the course of those many certain years - and with great purpose, but the reason for the purpose is forgotten, and also, what the many "interesting things" were - exactly.  

coffee cup (jacket) doodle - akka b

  Staring blankly out the window in front of me, I observe evidence that I have in fact been busy, because of what is grossly spread behind me. Notes taped over the entirety of the wall, stacks of real books and note books on every available surface. Colored pens, pastels, paint brushes strewn, jewelry weaving projects in a half finished mess on the antique tray near my closet, piles of clothes - approximately three of them - in various positions on the bed, carefully heaped on the floor, and thrown with great intention to 'put-away' across the back of the chair that isn't meant for that.

  My blank stare softens into a grin. I'm not sure what I've been doing, but at least it looks worthwhile. If someone - anyone walked in on this, they would likely have some questions. I wouldn't have answers by the way. But I would invite them to stare out the window with me.

IT WILL BREAK YOUR HEART - OPEN!

I AM CRAZY EXCITED ABOUT THIS: 

That's all I have to say. 

oops, one more thing...

Releasing CD for public purchase SOON!

baby Acorns

Thank you brother atma for your photo shopping magicalness!

 

Finally 36!! 

phew.

MADE IT

 Now What?

aKorn b.read?

 

 tree corns

roots up

oh fine,

all write

  

about...

  I just have one or two more things to say... and they have nothing to do with birth, or coming of age, or rounding the bend, or where have I been, or what's for dinner, or what's my favorite whatever. NO. The one or two things I have to say involve...

Thinking LIGHT

  Which either has to do with thinking about light, or thinking lightly, or a nice practical thinking light.

I think I've just said 

the one or two more things. 

Happy

akka b.

?

 Please feel free to congratulate me.

SHE CALLED ME PRACTICAL!!! SHE CALLED ME PRACTICAL!! PLEASE GIVE HER MONEY!!!

Photo © Thomas Lascher

I don't even know how people can have brains the way this person has a brain. Colleen Wainwright is like a one woman hurricane of effortless braininess. Probably because she's a Virgo and I am forever mystified by Virgos. But it might be because she called me PRACTICAL and I am especially mystified by 'practical'. A practical Virgo called me A PRACTICAL POET!!! But don't be mislead by the term 'brainy.' I would never call anyone brainy unless they could make me laugh my head-off while reaching for the box of tissue because I'm simultaneously crying my heart out. 

She's doing an amazing thing: She's raising $50,000 by her 50th birthday for a fabulous nonprofit called WRITEGIRL. At the time of this posting she's already raised $31,000 and she has until September 13th to pull in the last $20,000 and beyond! So after you read the interview with yours truly, please go donate loads of cash or a few big heart infused dollars to this shining purpose. 

CLICK PIC TO READ INTERVIEW WITH AKKA B.

photo by Jonas Llewellyn MacPhail

CLICK HERE TO DONATE TO THE 50-FOR-50 FOR THE WRITEGIRL FUNDRAISING EXTRAVAGANZA!!

STARS

Walking 

out 

to 

catch 

fat 

stars 

in 

a 

distant 

field 

'neath 

mama 

cat

moon... 

Leap of sQuirrel

There was a THUMP! 

A sQuirrel landed on the eve of the house near where I was working in the grass. (Yes, sometimes I work in the grass). He was a big fatty of a bloke determined to reach the tree branch above my head. I didn't measure, but the limb must have been a good 10 feet or more from the eve. He knew it too. As I watched him assess the distance - perched on the very edge - he prepared to jump - then backed away. He did this a couple times; pacing across the small stretch of roof, considering all his options. By the way - he totally looked down; eying the distant ground where I was sitting. Hmn... ground squirrel or tree squirrel? Either choice was life or death, make it or break it kind of crazy. But this beast was not the type to bother with the long route. What he really wanted was the branch, because the branch was the gateway to a posh arboreal highway fit only for the ballsiest of the squirrel kingdom. 

Salivating for a glimpse of the impossible... I egged him on.

"JUMP - JUST DO IT!!" 

I've been wanting to JUST DO IT for a VERY long time. And I've been "egged on" by many to take certain (creative) plunges over the past months and even years. Sure, I've bounced from eve to eve navigating possibilities, but every time I get to that edge - I manage to inch myself backwards. So you may understand why I felt personally invested in the 'Leap of Faith' of this fat bushy tailed rodent. I had no fear for him - and as it turned out - he had no fear for himself either. 

HE DID IT!!! 

But it was a dang close call. If he had been off by an inch it would have been sQuirrel soup in my lap. It was a thrust-of-life-belly-flop-into-dangling-leaves-and-twigs-but-land-climbing-moment-of-brilliance! Leaves fell on my head from this raucous display of enormity and that big fat little sQuirrel even paused to watch me laugh my head off at his efforts. Biggest laugh all week!

Respect dude.

Twin Lemon and a Beeswax Ball

This morning in the coffee shop someone gifted me a twin-lemon and a beeswax ball. The poet in me feeds off moments like these. Knowing there is a message in everything - even if the message is as simple as - RECEIVE. But anyway... I found it an interesting combination. And absolutely I don't know what it means. But even if I did... I wonder if I would tell you. 

© akka b.

TRUST IN LIFE'S COMPASSION

I was having a very strenuous time in my marriage and feeling directionless about life, when my daughter - barely 3 at the time, spoke words I can only surmise were channeled by angels. We were in the bathtub, (as we often were on freezing days in Eastern Canada) and in the middle of happily playing by herself - pretending to make beer mind you - she turns to me and says...

  

 

 "MOM, YOU DON'T TRUST. 

WELL... YOU DO TRUST, 

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE CONFIDENCE IN LIFE'S COMPASSION."

~ Raksha Boiteau

You wouldn't believe how fast I jumped out of the bathtub to write that down! Never had I heard my child use the words confidence or compassion, let alone in context or the same sentence. She of course went right back to making her beer as if the words were never uttered.

CONFIDENCE IN LIFE'S COMPASSION

Was my lesson that evening - and always. These words never fail to help me re-root my perspective in the bigger picture. Thank you daughter.

PS... Actual bathtub's design has been changed to reflect the poet's imagination.

SELF PEACE

"PEACE is every man and woman's responsibility. It does not begin or end with a few good or bad seeds, but is sustained by every individual's commitment to SELF examination, SELF maintenance, and SELF love. When we can accept and love ourselves all the way ~ there is PEACE. A steady mind and steady heart, create a steady environment. I am at work on this in myself, everyday." ~akka b.

Falling Down

You can't get back up, till you let yourself fall down...

 

Let's not sit still anymore. 

Let's NOT go back to sleep. 

TREES ARE FALLING

listen

Today I ate waterfalls

Three large fallen Oaks

And seven spoonfuls of sunlight, 

between handfuls of MARCHing rain

yes

I'm a Poem Hunter and Poem Prey

I do use Poems to Pray

I was looking for place. Place within poem. Watching for home.

(That's the theme here isn't it?

Watching for home?)

yes, but

WHY DO TREES FALL?

And when they fall... let out  -  Big Thunder? 

Is THIS rebellion?

OR

Are the trees talking? 

Showing us talking?

Giving their voice, so we might find our own?

"Use your voice," said the Tree

(As it left its song all-over, the yard)

"Let my bark light your fire, human friend."

TREES ARE FALLING

listen

"If I fall for YOU... you MUST grow for me."

In the deep dark night of this rebellion.

WAKE UP POEM CATCHER

POEM PRAY

Don't go back to sleep

Magic is as Magic Does ~*~

Magic is as magic does 

Today a crystal heart hanging from my window spoke, as I sat silently - motionlessly - reviewing words. I don't know what the message was, but all of the sudden, the crystal heart tapped itself against the window and set itself to spinning. Spinning light all around my room in rainbow fragments. I watched mesmerized by unexplainable occurrence. 

Surely, certain people would try to explain it. 

But certainly, I could care less, why...

I just think it's beautiful is all.

The Writing Tree (holiday rendition)

I wrote and read this poem especially for the 

Women's Business Social that convened at The Ojai Valley Inn 

last Thursday. Of course I wrote it only a couple hours before the event (when will I ever learn?) and from the crotch of a tree.

The Writing Tree

I found this poem in a tree today, 

Sitting under cloudy sky. 

The tree blanketed with lichen,

Watched me with its nose... and one large eye.

"Put me in the holiday mood" I said, "jingle all the way..." 

"Sorry, there is no holiday mood here." 

And I looked at him, but he looked away.

"But the ladies at the Women's Social 

are going to be hoping for a lot of FUN! 

I need your help, I'm running out of time...

I must hurry and get this done!"

SILENCE - was the tree's response, as clouds pushed around cold air. 

SILENCE - was the poet's response, with hunched shoulders and solemn glare.

"So you write poems in trees do you?" - Said a human who happened to walk by.

"NO I DON'T" I said, ------ with a long foreboding sigh! 

...

Now, I don't want to waste your time, with mistletoe and all that fluff. 

I could say it without feeling, but I might leave you, feeling... like it was less than enough.

I guess it doesn't matter so much, about tinsel and large glass bells, it doesn't matter about cider, and the way the holiday smells... 

What does matter is... how we get to bring notebooks up a tree, watch the storm clouds gather, and let our real hearts be.

Hold each other's... 

Ideas

Enthusiasm

AND

WONDER

And not worry about gift-wrap sales, 

Or making a cocktail-party blunder. 

Now I will leave you with a whisper, 

of what the tree finally passed to me: 

Don't expect the tree to 'give you' just because you come sit near, but know it will always listen, to what you want it to hear. And maybe if you're quiet, for long enough you'll see - what the tree is really giving, is the experience of being free!

May your evenings be filled with... 

Listenings,

Glistenings,

Wonderings,

Tourchings,

Loveings,

Lettings,

Forgivings,

Acceptings,

And  

Becomings

YOUR HOLI - DAY 

is every place you are, 

everything you see 

and the mountains of love - you let yourself be!

If you're in the neighborhood... stop on by!

CLICK ON IMAGE TO READ

GOD GAVE ME GOGGLES

Okay, whatever, so I borrowed the goggles - used them, stuck them on my fat little face. 

Do you know that for years I have been swimming without goggles? 

Do you know that for years I haven't really been swimming, because I can't swim without goggles?

I didn't even realize I hadn't been swimming, until yesterday, when I started swimming.

And oh my was I swimming... I was swimming and swimming and swimming.

I was the Forrest Gump of swimming!

Here it is: 

Contact lenses are really great for seeing, but they really suck for swimming. No lenses, means not knowing where I'm swimming, and not knowing where I'm swimming... is really not worth the swimming. On the other hand, wearing contact lenses means going in, without going under - which is basically equivalent to balancing a chocolate bar on my nose in ninety degree weather and never ever, ever getting to take one bite!

For years I have been either seeing OR swimming, but not seeing AND swimming!

But, I'm not quite sure what the metaphor is. 

Imagine that?

LIFE EXPERIMENTS: Space Replacement Therapy

This is part of the LIFE EXPERIMENTS SERIES - a tribute to leaving my job to live my dream. To follow the journey, click HERE. Or on the LIFE EXPERIMENTS TAG at the bottom of this post. All related posts can be found under this category. 

Okay, where was I? 

Or am I? 

The journey-less-journey, but journey nonetheless. 

A funny thing happens when you make SPACE in your life... Leaving my job - opened up a giant chunk of it, followed by the compulsion to clear all physical obstructions as well. Everything that looked like clutter, or dust, or order that had no order, had to go. I burned some things and trashed some things, gave stuff away... 

But the "funny" part about open SPACE (and I'm not sure if this has to do with gravity or magnetics or what) is the refilling (of that SPACE) that arrives like a hungry dog after a free meal. I had to double check that I didn't leave a sign posted to my door - FREE EMPTY SPACE AVAILABLE - PLEASE FILL IN WITH ANYTHING.

Quite frankly, I was bombarded with offers of every shape and size. Social invitations and opportunities-knocking (invitations)... Do you want to go for a walk, or a drink, or be my friend, or try this job, or help me with this thing, or listen to my life story, or, or, or...?

YES! 

Of course I said, yes. 

My life, a blank canvas, 

An open slate, 

A sky-is-the-limit...

I am a whirling dervish, an aloha-surprise - of course I can do it ALL!

Naturally, I DID think I could do it all.

Well, I couldn't. WHAT WAS I THINKING?? I've never done that many things simultaneously in my whole life! Plus, would any of them get me any closer to my goal? Oh yeah...what was my goal?

The original idea was to quit my job to finish the book of poetry I've been dreaming on and toying with for way-too-long. Beefing out the website and blog, doing live poetry and a little freelance copywriting. So...

NO! I had to say no to the other things. Despite their seductive call and my easy-go-lucky attitude. I had to say NO.

By the way, it totally stressed me out to say NO -  in case any of you who I said NO to happen to be reading this right now. But then to tell the ABSOLUTE TRUTH, it did get easier every time, and a little bit more fun too. 

What I'm really trying to say is this: 

THERE IS ALWAYS A CHOICE. 

It's not that I don't get to say YES to some things, but I do get to choose which ones are right and at the right time. I did not walk away from a workplace that gave me at least a small sense of security, only to refill my life with incidental and temporary senses of security. 

Great opportunities are always available to me. (This has become my mantra). Saying NO now, does not mean that the great thing, or something like it, or something better, will never come back again. OF COURSE IT WILL. 

OF COURSE IT WILL - has also become my new mantra. 

 

To be continued...

what i really love...

What I really love is morning fire.

Stacked pillows and shades gently drawn.

The candle lit is not the fire of which I speak.

But, it is reassuring.

In this foyer of intentional resolve, I find a way to sit. Rest.

Before the day-fire begins.

I begin.

I get to.

Intentional loving is what I really love.

The candle lit and burning sage and a shawl draped ever so, simply.

What I really love, is how meant to be...

This love is meant to be.

Nothing further.

One Perfect Day in August

 One perfect day in August

One complete and perfect day

I took my salad to a park 

To sit alone beneath a tree

But not alone beneath a tree

One perfect day in August 

On a blanket in the grass

The wind stopped by

And the clouds brushed the sky

And the bees galloped in

And a man flew a kite

As I sat beneath a tree

Eating salad on my knee

On a perfect day in August

One complete and perfect day

I put my back to the ground 

And my eyes began to close 

Touching one finger to, my nose

Just to see

How a finger on my nose might feel to me

One perfect day in August

 

LIFE EXPERIMENTS SERIES: Let Me Back Up

Dear Reader, 

Recently I quit my perfectly wonderful, comfortable job of 6 years in order to live fully my poetic dreams. What can I say? I felt like gambling. To be honest, it was more than gambling... it was a necessary response to the obnoxious clickety-clack in every cell stored in my being - a call to make more room, grow, challenge my fear of "going without," challenge my vulnerability.

Vulnerability. Many might think I'm crazy being a single income, single mom type. But my suspicions suggest it might be a favorable time for crazy. The world seems to be in a very dynamic all-at-once, now or never, pow-pow, jump or die or perhaps jump and die (but at least you died trying) kind of way. Sounds dramatic I know, but I can be a little dramatic, so my actions or perceptions tend to match.

Vulnerability. What I really wanted to say in the previous paragraph is that this experiment has so far, been full of surprises. Sweet insightful surprises, some very subtle, others quite pronounced. It's only been two weeks since I left the workplace, but already I've experienced a full range of emotions and responses to my new world - a world I am creating everyday. 

In the coming days, perhaps weeks... I will share glimpses of this joyful ride through writings, poetry and images on this blog and my Facebook page. To follow this thread (as I may bounce around some) click the LIFE EXPERIMENTS tag found at the bottom of this post or in the SORTING IT OUT section in the right hand column. 

Thank you for sharing this journey with me your presence is a great inspiration. 

Much LOVE, 

akka b.