HoneyMOONshadoW

My capacity to hold, experience and express love seems directly related to how willing I am to examine, process and let go of darkness and pain.  What I've learned over the past several months of unusually heavy self-reflection, is when faced with gnawing hurt - go deeper. Walking into, and not away from the aching place disempowers the negative self-story where rage and grief breed. 

Letting back Light

and

Love

Growing Confidence

 

After pushing around mounds of soil for growing things; raking out small and large pebbles; making some nice shapes and putting water places - I sat down and watched. 

Nothing happened. 

Realizing I watered prematurely - I enthusiastically went off to collect any kind of seeds to push in the ground. Collecting, for me, is instantly gratifying and easily accomplished. After all, collections can be found anywhere and made from anything (if you have an eye and ear for them).

So I brought back piles of "seeds" - and sat and watched. 

Still nothing happened. 

"Well I have these seeds, and I have this soil, nicely raked, and I've already watered," I thought out loud, "so why isn't anything growing?" 

Turns out I still hadn't planted the seeds I had been sitting on; holding in my hands, caressing in my pockets. 

It dawned on me, after sometime, that that was the issue - THE NOT PLANTING ISSUE. It seemed resolvable; but then there was the matter of what to plant first, and where, what time of day, what month, in what sequence, how many; should I buy a book, take a class? Hmm?

So many questions to keep me from planting the seeds I already had, in the ground I had already tilled. So I thought about it for a while...

Nothing happened. 

So I thought about it a while more... But of course, thinking only lends itself to more thinking...

Here's what I thought: 

What happens if I do plant the seeds, and they do actually grow? Won't I then have to tend them, and weed them, and water them more, and sing to them of growing? Will I have made myself more work? Will I have made myself more liable should something go awry?

OR will I have made myself a feast? 

A banquet of self-nurturing; Self-proclaiming; Self-Reaching?


 

FIRE FOR A MOMENT

Can we speak of fire for a moment? 

Can we speak freely of fire? 

It's been shooting out my eyeballs. 

I've been sneezing out balls of steam. 

I watch people live so gently. Kindly. Openly. 

But in me this thing blazes.

It does have kindness in it. 

Gentleness too... 

But through the prism of heat.

Too much strong. 

I plan to let go soon.

WASHING MACHINE

In your absence 

My mind becomes washing machine

Pieces of me sloshing

Turny 

Twisty

Rushing

Gushing

Hushing

Pieces I would like tucked neatly inside my drawer

Wet

Mingled

Stretched

Soaked

Undone

The purpose of washing

Wetting

Cleansing

Releasing

Form

Thank God for metaphors, truly

And eventual drying, resorting, folding, putting

Resting

Wrestling

Washing

Resting

Watching

Washing

Resting

More

The Kissing Waves

I'm worlds away from you

Worlds from the heaven we once tasted on our boat of open seas

The kissing waves rocked all sense from me

And I became glued to the freedom bestowed in this convergence

I'm stomping mad about that

Being glued to something so timeless

Uncontainable

This world away from you, right here

I will never know how to love less than this


*

PROGRESS: What Happens When You Do It Anyway!

Life has been leaping off the pages the past couple months. In the summer I began writing about what it's like to leave a perfectly great job to pursue a life of poetry. Little did I know, poetry would begin pursuing me! Tracking this progress came to a halt, having gotten caught up, living progress. 

So it goes... 

Life is progress. Even if you don't know what you are doing, how you are going to go about doing it, or what it looks like when you get there. When you happen upon that thing that you know you must do and follow it, somehow life folds in to help. I won't rummage backwards through details, I'm absolutely exhausted and details at this late hour are getting tossed faster than flying stardust. Delusional is the best word. Yes.

Before I fall entirely off the internet for the night, I want to share a couple pictures of progress. Last Friday I hosted a Poetry Event at the famous indoor/outdoor used bookstore in Ojai, California. Bart's Books is an incredible venue for such gatherings. The plein-air atmosphere and a community of warm hearts lit the evening on fire! The question was posed, "So, what do YOU DO when it rains?" to which Ojai poets, and poets who sent in poems from around the world replied. Such a fun night with willing everyday-people sharing their hearts and perspective. A JOY!

 For more great pics CLICK HERE: 

 To read a GREAT REVIEW on the event CLICK HERE: 

 

© Nathalie Raijmakers Photography 2010

LIFE EXPERIMENTS: Space Replacement Therapy

This is part of the LIFE EXPERIMENTS SERIES - a tribute to leaving my job to live my dream. To follow the journey, click HERE. Or on the LIFE EXPERIMENTS TAG at the bottom of this post. All related posts can be found under this category. 

Okay, where was I? 

Or am I? 

The journey-less-journey, but journey nonetheless. 

A funny thing happens when you make SPACE in your life... Leaving my job - opened up a giant chunk of it, followed by the compulsion to clear all physical obstructions as well. Everything that looked like clutter, or dust, or order that had no order, had to go. I burned some things and trashed some things, gave stuff away... 

But the "funny" part about open SPACE (and I'm not sure if this has to do with gravity or magnetics or what) is the refilling (of that SPACE) that arrives like a hungry dog after a free meal. I had to double check that I didn't leave a sign posted to my door - FREE EMPTY SPACE AVAILABLE - PLEASE FILL IN WITH ANYTHING.

Quite frankly, I was bombarded with offers of every shape and size. Social invitations and opportunities-knocking (invitations)... Do you want to go for a walk, or a drink, or be my friend, or try this job, or help me with this thing, or listen to my life story, or, or, or...?

YES! 

Of course I said, yes. 

My life, a blank canvas, 

An open slate, 

A sky-is-the-limit...

I am a whirling dervish, an aloha-surprise - of course I can do it ALL!

Naturally, I DID think I could do it all.

Well, I couldn't. WHAT WAS I THINKING?? I've never done that many things simultaneously in my whole life! Plus, would any of them get me any closer to my goal? Oh yeah...what was my goal?

The original idea was to quit my job to finish the book of poetry I've been dreaming on and toying with for way-too-long. Beefing out the website and blog, doing live poetry and a little freelance copywriting. So...

NO! I had to say no to the other things. Despite their seductive call and my easy-go-lucky attitude. I had to say NO.

By the way, it totally stressed me out to say NO -  in case any of you who I said NO to happen to be reading this right now. But then to tell the ABSOLUTE TRUTH, it did get easier every time, and a little bit more fun too. 

What I'm really trying to say is this: 

THERE IS ALWAYS A CHOICE. 

It's not that I don't get to say YES to some things, but I do get to choose which ones are right and at the right time. I did not walk away from a workplace that gave me at least a small sense of security, only to refill my life with incidental and temporary senses of security. 

Great opportunities are always available to me. (This has become my mantra). Saying NO now, does not mean that the great thing, or something like it, or something better, will never come back again. OF COURSE IT WILL. 

OF COURSE IT WILL - has also become my new mantra. 

 

To be continued...

LIFE EXPERIMENTS: CUT IT OUT

First one must cut out everything to have everything

First one must cut out everything to have everything

 One must make space

 Open closets

 Strip old paint

 Throw stupid shoes out the window

  

 First one must cut out everything to have everything

 First one must stop doing anything to be anything

 First one must stop being anything to do anything

 First one must cut out everything to have everything

  

One must burn degrees 

 Empty drawers

 Mop the floors

 Relieve the trunk 

  

 First one must cut out everything to have everything

     

 One must forget one's name

 One's talent

 Forget one's dreams

 The klutzy past

  

 First one must forget everything to remember everything

 First one must forget everything to remember everything

 In the absence of place there exists a space; an emptiness

  

 And a choice

 To change is to choose

 To choose is to change

  

 But, first

   

 One must...



[This post is part of the LIFE EXPERIMENTS SERIES - a tribute to leaving my job to live my dream. To follow this journey click on the LIFE EXPERIMENTS tag at the bottom of this post... all related postings can be readily found there.]

Definition of a Drunk Love Heart #2:

Absolutely fixed on the sweet elixir... 
Obstacles between, I do not love. 

Even though TO LOVE might improve my visibility.

TO LOVE might improve my invincibility...

I could call it an obstacle or a monster 
Or a locked closet with no key. 

It doesn't matter, YOU, get the picture - you must.
(I know I'm not alone in this). 

We've been fighting for years... 
Ignoring each other, demanding, threatening, 
Waiting for it to be different - and for someone else to make it so. 

I'm counting my gray hairs between now and then. 
Exhausted. Bored. Bored with this roundabout way. 

I must do that opposite thing again. 

Get cozy with that which I abhor: Okay, go...

forgive the fight. 

forgive the key that doesn't fit, make a new one.

forgive the monster who has no mother, no harbor, no friend.

forgive the chance that was lost, but not lost, but integral.

forgive the past for being difficult, more so than thought deserved.

forgive the future for being scary and fear, for moving slowly.

forgive the way its been done before and the way I do it now.

forgive the way I have loved and haven't loved and wanted love.

forgive out loud

forgive anyway and in general

but not until I'm ready and ripe and it is time

it must be honest.

AND I must be willing to use new eyes when closets begin to open, 

and monsters want to cuddle, and the sweet elixir returns... 

When I become invincible for real, for really real.

yes and no

tactile exhilaration. 

it might be more fun to say yes 

if i didn't mind being smashed between tires and concrete

tired of doing the right thing

also getting off on it

gosh i'm dangerous

i'd like to see the contract i made when i signed up for this installment 

the outline of no's and if it ever stops

akka grow

ouch

I MUST BE

I must be.

This way.  

With a big laugh and unfailing smile 

I must be. 
The steps that carry when the rest have fallen tired

And the ladies worry their hems are too long, or not long

And men practice the bedding dance  

I must be. 
The one to hold hands with relics unseen

Beings that help keep us here

When we need that

And help us let go

When we need that too 

I must be. 
More than I expected to be. 

More than my capacity. 

More complete than kindness

a. willingness

As I Walk Away

Rest your tender cheek in my open palm. 

Let me hold you for a time, so the world can pause her spell. 

Find a place we can lay that I might look longer at your eyes. 

I want to acquaint myself more tenderly with the colors you chose. 

The colors by which you see.

Dear friend, I will try to remain calm about all of this.

So even in your retreat you might keep my palm

...even, as I walk away.

The Painter

I disagreed with the painter about the beautiful blue sky day. He laughed at me and my violet wellies. I sneered. My brow may have furrowed some too. I probably stomped my foot a little and I also may have growled. I wasn't worried about offending him and he certainly wasn't aiming to please. 

I just wanted a little more rain is all. 

And for the painter to stop being such a tease.

FAT of LIFE

Life is full of fat.
That's what I said, "fat."

Borrowed - no, taken from a cow.
Separated and such.
Whipped around some.
ta da!

FAT

Insert additives for longevity (optional)
Salt to taste (optional)
and in many cases - color (also optional)

FAT

okay, okay...butter (fat)

is everywhere
in everything

bountiful

contested

encouraged

desired

respected

abhorred

and a teeny tiny bit dangerous

yes, dangerous.

And therefore, absolutely necessary.

standing room only

Photo by John Watson

Stand,

stand

up

don't sit down

don't lay down

don't fall down

don't let down

don't.

Do

stand,

stand

up

stay

up

be

up

live

up

look

up

*

ARCHIVES

THE ARCHIVES ARE GETTING LONELY

DIG DEEP

* * *
roll your heart in them

personal
F A V O R I T E S...

DEEPER

BEAST

RETHINKING BIRTHDAYS

MAGNIFICENCE

BECAUSE OF THUNDER

LUCK OF THE DRAW

ON MY KNEES

MOLTEN

RECONSIDERING WORRY

DEVOTIONAL

ON BEING A MAMMA

LET IT BE THE NIGHT

RETURN IT

INSIDE OF ME

HUNGRY STILL

SPILL

I LOVE YOUR HEART

DOUBT

Playing with Matches

All sorts of POETential here:

MOON FALL

Somebody let the moon loose in here.

Echos below my breastbone,

between my breath,

unexpected.

Well, expected.

Illuminating space.

Oh my gosh there is SO MUCH SPACE!!!!

With what shall I fill it?

Or

For what, shall I let it be?

Firefly.

BALL JARS 

Supposedly work best for fireflies

Deluxe accommodations.

TWINKLES hovering in dark moistened air.

Very miracle-like...

This seductive - gulps-of-awe brigade.

I want you.

I WANT TO CATCH LIGHT INSIDE A JAR.

A BALL JAR.

On purpose.

come. COME HERE!!
here little firefly...come on...wander yonder little one.

GOTCHA!

Now I am VERY powerful because I OWN A FIREFLY!

~ Except I live in California

where there are actually no-fireflies-at-all.

Only frivolous imaginings caught inside 

a.

BALL JAR. 

Picking a Fight with a GLITCH

Timing.
and what if's?
maybe?

oh nevermind

I don't care
and
whatever...

but perhaps?
but damn.

or

F@#K

like a stubbed toe.

Aggravating

like a sleepless night

S__T!

Like the missed train.

oh boo-hoo, but I'm a tough ass.

it didn't hurt, but it really did.

sigh.

okay

one more time...

sigh.